This column has attempted to identify a wide range of issues or problems that, with a little thought and creativity, were not outside the possibility of solving. After doing this off and on since 1995, together, you and I have provided potential answers to some of the province's biggest dilemmas, none of which have been acted upon. We should not give up. Don't let not being listened to interfere with a natural ability to supply answers to everything. I know I don't.
No new significant problem has made itself known to me in time for this week's column. As a consequence, this week's issue is anything but significant. Jerome Kennedy leaving politics? Who didn't see that coming? Kathy Dunderdale even lower in the polls? Ditto. Nope, I'm not going to bother you with anything you already have an opinion about. This week, the issue is teeth. Your teeth, my teeth, or anyone who still has at least one real tooth in their mouth. Why? Because the average amount left for a tooth under the pillow has risen to $3.07 each. It begs the question, where will it all end?
As inflation goes, $3.07 for a tooth under the pillow is not that large of an increase from the $.25/tooth we got for losing our baby teeth one at a time between 1955 and just last year. It's a sure bet the tooth fairy is probably collecting welfare too. Fortunately, the increase doesn't seem to come about because of the number of pillows now fashionable on a bed. If I were to lose my remaining 27 real teeth at one time, the tooth fairy would only have to make three successive visits in a row, based on the nine pillows that are on the bed when I go to turn in. I could collect $27.63 each night for three nights, because of those nine pillows. I doubt my smile would be as appealing on day four as it is now.
There are really two issues here: First, why are there nine pillows on the bed? We have the usual two for sleeping, two small round ones that have no purpose at all, two small square ones to support the two small round ones, and two large, two-foot square ones to support those four, all of which are stacked on the only two that we need for sleeping. The last pillow is a cylindrical thing resting in the middle of the pile that is less useful than the others. The Shahs of Persia never had as many pillows in their desert tents. Lawrence of Arabia would be as miffed as me. I blame the home decor crowd. I guess they look nice on the floor where they end up every night. I wouldn't know. I'm trying to sleep
The second issue has to deal with the value of teeth. To the tooth fairy, it's only worth $3.07 and then you have to go to the trouble of trying to fall asleep after you've put a tooth under your pillow and lay awake wondering how much you get. To the dentist, it's worth about $250, and that's if it has a hole in it that needs drilled and filled. The law of diminishing returns that applies to a vehicle that has outlived its usefulness does not apply to teeth. Interestingly though, much like an old car whose paint has faded to a dull and jaded version of its original luster, teeth can suffer a similar fate without proper maintenance. You kind of get the same feeling trying to repair old and yellow teeth as you do putting money into your car to keep it running, when it should have been put out to pasture years ago, waiting to be discovered as a gem by the Canadian Pickers.
As you can see, it's either been a slow news week, or my head has been buried under too many pillows. I appear to be stooping to new lows in order to entertain myself. If it doesn't snow soon, there will be nothing to complain about. But again, this is where you come in. If somebody reading this would do something so stupid that I have no choice but to write about it and offer an opinion you might not have thought of, you would be doing me and the rest of all of the readers a favour. Do nothing but sit around all next week, and you're likely to see more of the same.
If only Nancy Grace would discover the real reason why Jerome Kennedy quit politics. Assuming there is one. Anyone know how the Liberal leadership race is going? Sigh.